rocked.

today after church i got to talk with a couple of people who i don't get to talk to on a regular basis. one, knowing more or less the snapshot version of my life here in seattle, asked how i've been lately...something that just a few days ago i myself was thinking about.

i feel like these past couple of months have flipped me upside down and backwards. everything has been changing. most of the things that i poured myself into, be it a friendship, a project, an aspiration, all seemed to evaporate over the course of a fortnight. i was left standing in what felt like a desert, kind of bewildered at the whirlwind that stole everything around me that seemed good and purposeful, and not really understanding why.

in response, i subconsciously clenched my fists, determined not to let go of these things that i still genuinely believe were things that the Lord gave in response to my seeking them in prayer. but while these things may have been genuinely good, they were good for a season. while i trusted the Lord to provide them initially, and trusted as they persisted, i was hesitant to trust Him as they changed, phasing out, new things coming in their place.

it was a good opportunity to reflect on the fact that the same God who gives has every right to take away, because he knows our needs more than we even know them ourselves. sometimes something perfectly good comes to an end, simply because the Lord's purpose guides elsewhere. simply because there is something to be learned in the process. i think i've always been one to resist change. above most things, i dislike change in relationships of any kind. i like to hold onto them and not let them go, because to know and be known and then all of a sudden not feels something like failure. but doesn't that simply reveal a lack of trust? (as well as a desire to maintain control?) because in change, the Lord refines. in brokenness and hurt, he teaches. how foolish we are to resist, to try to hold onto the things that we think are good, holding onto the past or an illusion of how things used to be, when we have no way of seeing the future.

this is something that i know i have much room to grow in. to hold things with open hands, and mean it. to not idolize the good and God-given things in my life. to learn from the people that are in my community while they are there, love them well, and let them go when the time comes. to trust that the Lord is good and purposeful in changing circumstances, and that he does and can restore.

so in response to her question, my simple answer was "rocked." and what a good (not necessarily fun or easy, but good) place to be, where the Lord pulls out all the things that we try to stand on apart from him and allows us to fall, opening our eyes to our own blindness and challenging us with truth. challenging us to seek Him in everything we pour ourselves into, no matter how good of a thing it is or seems to be. challenging us to trust Him wholeheartedly, to put ourselves out there into the new and unknown and to be vulnerable and real. to continue to seek the Lord, not living in the memories of the past, but eagerly embracing the present. and what a whirlwind of an adventure it is!