perfect.

someone recently said to me: "i mean, you have it all together. you don't have a job, but that's pretty much it. everyone likes you. you're basically perfect."

whoa. reality check. that's a very complimentary thing to say by society's standards, but to me, it was very convicting. either i've gotten really good at creating an i-have-it-all-together facade, or i'm not doing a very good job at boasting in my weaknesses so that the name of Jesus can be proclaimed (2 cor. 11:30, 12:9). probably both, because they go hand in hand.

i spent the next several minutes trying to explain that idea back to reality: i'm not perfect.

it's certainly easy to say that i want people to know the real me, but do i live that out? do i show the messy tracey who gets frustrated when she can't carry on a conversation or feels like she has nothing useful to contribute to it? who feels less-than-intellligent when she doesn't know what questions to ask, or inadequate when the act of pointing people to jesus looks more like a sloppy tuna noodle casserole than a classy 5 star filet mignon (1 cor. 1:17)? who puts too much pepper or ginger or you-name-it-ingredient in every third recipe she tries, but eats it anyway...who would rather run from conflict than deal with it head on...who goes a little crazy without a schedule, but also likes spontaneity, and can never make up her mind...who defaults to "yes" because she doesn't want to disappoint people? and most of those were just tangible things...i could go on and on!

the last thing i want is for people to perceive me as perfect. not only is that too much pressure, but it just isn't true! i want to be known and appreciated for who i am, shortcomings and all, because in that, there is both freedom to be me, and solid proof that Jesus redeems us and sanctifies us, even through our messiness.

"but when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life." titus 3:4-7

love,
tracey

jesus is a better lover.

these past few days i've realized how easily i give my heart away. to things, to causes, to people. i was talking over dinner with some good friends of mine and after realizing this, they said something that has been stuck in my mind ever since: jesus is a better lover.

it's true that these things are attractive. it's often both good and attractive to pour yourself out in service, or to your roommates, or to another human being. but ultimately, these things will all fail, because they are less than perfect. they hold attraction, but the attraction of Jesus is greater, and only HE can love us perfectly. a cause cannot serve you back, and another person will always make mistakes. the love that these things can give back to us is finite, and if we put our ultimate hope and our heart in them, we will always be disappointed.

but jesus is a better lover. so i'll pour myself out to the Lord, the one who is trustworthy and perfect in his ability to superscede my most ambitious hopes, while at the same time, continuing secondarily to invest in those relationships which by nature of their imperfection push me more toward Him. "and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." philippians 4:7

love,
tracey

give yourself away.

truth: we are happiest when we are not seeking ourselves.

"if you POUR YOURSELF OUT for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, THEN shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday." isaiah 58:10

"they are to DO GOOD, to be rich in GOOD WORKS, to be GENEROUS and READY TO SHARE, thus storing up treasure for themselves as a good foundation for the future, so that they may take hold of that which is TRULY LIFE." 1 timothy 6:18-19

this makes so much sense: the more responsibility you have, the more you feel the weight of it. but as a christian, this responsibility isn't ours, and was never meant to be! because Jesus has already done it. given us identity, set us free from sin and death, and above all, enabled a relationship with the Father that we cannot mess up. and yet i try so hard to keep everything together, fearing failure and mistake. i'm always trying to predict the outcome, or figure out what is the very best solution. always trying to be the most efficient and the most effective. trying to figure out my life myself, as if that was my responsibility, as if i'm not serving a LOVING and SOVEREIGN God! while none of these things (best solution, efficient, effective) are necessarily bad, they become bad when they become paramount, when they consume everything else. when they eclipse Jesus, who is our HOPE, or come before Him in any way. we make it all about us so often, and in the face of all the decisions, plans, and checklists, we forget to WORSHIP. and in this, we rob Jesus of the glory due to him, essentially claiming that his death wasn't sufficient and that we need to earn our salvation ourselves.

good thing that's not true, because none of us would make it.

when we give ourselves away we take our eyes off of ourselves, off of our plans and desires and selfish motives, and fix them instead on the Lord. we surrender the control we have on our life, or that we think we have. we are forced to let go of the hold we have on our lives and trust that Jesus is enough. and in that, we are fulfilled in a way that brings freedom and true joy.

i'm thankful that Jesus is abundantly patient and gives us grace upon grace.

love,
tracey

embracing accusations.

truth that i need to be reminded of, every moment of every day:
"embracing accusations" by shane and shane

the father of lies coming to steal kill and destroy
all my hopes of being good enough
i hear him saying, "cursed are the ones who can't abide."
he's right.
hallelujah, he's right!
the devil is preaching the song of the redeemed
that i am cursed and gone astray
i cannot gain salvation.

embracing accusations.

could the father of lies be telling the truth of God to me tonight?
if the penalty of sin is death, then death is mine.
i hear him say, "cursed are the ones who can't abide."

he's right.
hallalujah, he's right!

the devil is preaching the song of the redeemed
that i am cursed and gone astray
i cannot gain salvation.

oh the devil's singing over me an age old song
that i am cursed and gone astray
singing the first verse so conveniently over me
he's forgotten the refrain:

jesus saves!
"for all who rely on works of the law are under a curse; for it is written, "cursed be everyone who does not abide by all things written in the book of the law, and do them." now it is evident that no one is justified before God by the law, for "the righteous shall live by faith." but the law is not of faith, rather, "the one who does them shall live by them." Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us- for it is written "cursed is everyone who is hanged on a tree"- so that in Christ Jesus the blessing of abraham might come to the gentiles, so that we might receive the promised Spirit through faith." Galatians 3:10-14

"and we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." romans 8:28

love,
tracey

the last sunny day.

today was a day to slow down. i had a relaxing morning catching up with my community group over scones, scrambled eggs, and bacon, then spent the majority of the afternoon at lincoln park. the wind and the rain are supposed to be here in full force tomorrow, so i gave up my plans of cleaning the house to enjoy the sunshine while it was here.

i packed myself a little picnic and found a great spot right on the water. i watched the waves come in and the ferries come and go. it was super peaceful until i also almost got entirely soaked by a huge wave that came crashing down on the log where i was sitting...i'm telling you, that thing even had whitecaps!

my scatterbrained head marinated on all kinds of things:

1. before you can pour out you have to be filled up.
2. an eagerness to repent should be a way of life.
3. i'm prideful, particularly in not wanting to look foolish or inept.
3.5. i take myself entirely too seriously most of the time.
4. this life is fleeting.
5. i want my life to be gospel centered and my heart to be eternally focused.
6. you can't control what you can't control, but God is sovereign.
7. "she opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue." proverbs 31:26

most of those came from things that have come up over the course of the week. hopefully i'll have time soon to post about everything that went on: company in town, tuxedos and tennis shoes, and plenty of foodie delights.

until then,
tracey

also...i'm official!

natural intentionality.

my roommates and i have started this thing called open home sunday. (it's happened twice, so according to aggieland definition, that makes it a downright tradition.) we got the idea from my good friends justin and allie, who host a weekly open home monday, and the reeds, who host on saturday nights. the idea is the same in each case: to make our homes available for people to just do life together. this could look like many different things, from a heart searching conversation to a card game, from baking up a tasty dessert to going on a walk, folding laundry, watching a movie, even reading books (or doing RD flashcards) independently, just all in the same space. plus, a chill group gathering at someone's house provides a neat opportunity to invite friends who don't go to mars hill to come hang out. it's a much less intimidating concept than inviting them to church or community group, which to anyone who hasn't been to something like that in the past, probably feels bizzare and intimidating. ("yes, we go every week and listen to a short-statured long-winded man talk passionately about the bible. then, on another day, we meet up and sit in a lopsided circle and talk about our lives and the sermon." "uh...what?")

i may have mentioned the speaker steve timmis before- i can't find the sermon he gave online or i'd post a link to it. we all got the concept from him. the idea is that as we live life alongside eachother, we will inevitably be helping each other in sanctification. outside of grace, we tend to instinctively isolate and keep to ourselves. timmis talked about that idea, as does gary thomas, another author i'm currently reading: "we are by nature selfish beings who hide from each other. maintaining a steady pursuit toward and empathy for another human being goes against our sinful, egocentric bent." but introvert or extrovert, we are commanded to be in community and fellowship. "and they devoted themselves to the apostle's teaching and fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers." acts 2:42 

the bible also teaches that we are to show hospitality (1 peter 4:9, romans 12:13) and be good stewards of what we have (1 peter 4:10) as a reflection of the immeasurable grace that the Lord has given us. i enjoy both of those things a lot, which makes our open home sunday meal (because we want to feed people when they come, at least on a first come first serve basis until we run out of whatever we fixed up) a neat opportunity for me in particular to get to (a) plan meals (b) budget meals (and split the cost with three other willing roommates) and (c) cook cook cook! i love to host people, and i love to feed them.

all this is good and fun when it's all your best friends, but it's also inevitable that as we live life together, we're going to come into contact with those we don't get along with. this is where the true blessing of it comes in. in reference to this, timmis said: "those that drive me the most crazy are the ones that the Lord is using to sanctify me the most." after all, we can't really practice patience if there is nobody that needs you to be patient with them. did anyone else out there grow up with a rock tumbler? you dump the little jagged rocks in, add some sand and water, and turn it on. the thing spins and spins for days, and after a while, you have a bunch of smooth rocks. it's the same principle with living in community- we polish off each other's rough edges to be better image bearers of Christ.

"community is often inconvenient, but is always beneficial" -timmis

love,
tracey

good news.

it's been washing over me these past few days, the gospel. the truth of it, the freedom of it. in one of the podcasts i recently listened to, tim keller calls it gospel rest: the idea that when we truly get the gospel, we can rest.

"[God] saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works, but because of his own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began." -2 tim. 1:9

it's something i cannot break or mess up, because Jesus has already done the work to restore the relationship. it's not on me. and so i am free to live freely. to be bold, empowered by the Holy Spirit. to make mistakes and to be messy, because my identity does not come from my performance.

"Jesus heard 'depart from me, be cursed into everlasting fire' so that we can hear 'well done, good and faithful servant.' Jesus got the verdict that our performance deserves." -tim keller

so often i forget this simple truth, one which permeates into every aspect of ife, which gives purpose, value, and identity. that my soul has been redeemed, by nothing of my own doing. even in the moments that i flat out turn my back on God, even then i am free from the condemnation, because Jesus has borne it already. my penalty has been paid, and the eternity that i deserve, one of torment and eternal separation from my Lord, that utterly devastating eternity is no longer my fate. though my sin earns death every day, my good and perfect savior endured that separation and took the penalty for my sin, in my place. and the implication is freedom.

this is love incomprehensible.